8 a.m.: Well, that usually doesn't happen before heading to work, but I'm not complaining. Wow, I have so much to do today. It would be great if my head and back and pelvis weren't aching something awful. I knew I should have stayed in bed. Did someone punch my ovaries when I wasn't looking? Yawn. What was I just doing? Oh yeah. I'm hungry, wait, no I'm not. Don't talk to me, I hate you! I'm sorry, I love you. Would anyone notice if I assumed the fetal position under my desk? Am I dying? Oh no. This is happening.
9 a.m.: Boss? I've got to run an errand. Be back soon. I'm paranoid, but I still have to make sure. Seriously? You want to charge me $9 for two of these? Wait, so I pee on this? How does this work? Two. Pink. Lines. TWO. It's wrong, it has to be. There is no way the hormones would show up this quickly. Alright, test two. Seriously? These sticks are faulty. Shouldn't have pounded those Lucky Charms this morning. Bleh, I never want to eat cereal again. Bleeeeehhhh. Imagine, if I wasn't already in this stall. This bathroom smells like a sewer. Got to get out. Just make it back to the car. Everything SMELLS! What is that? This gym sock is rank! Get it away from me. Oh no, more Lucky Charms. Nope, just dry heaves. Yawn. I just need 10 minutes of shut eye before making it back to the office. Zzzz.
10 a.m.: OK, this is real. I haven't digested anything, and it still looks like I had three helpings of pie after Thanksgiving dinner. I need a doctor now! Scheduling appointments is overrated. If this is real, there is a person in me. Ah! Get it out! Wait, don't. Doctor? Please, I think I'm having a baby today. Does anyone have a sandwich? I really need a sandwich people! Extra pickles with an extra large chocolate milkshake. Extra everything. Is the stomach jelly necessary? What is that little flickering thing on the screen? A heart? My body made a heart? ... That's ... that's incredible ...
Ring. Ring. Honey, you're going to be a father in 6 hours. Quick, do everything you ever wanted to do that you haven't already done. No, you can't buy a motorcycle. Go.
11 a.m.: Books, I need books. I need to go to the library! Are there Cliff Notes for this three dozen I'd like to check out? Ugh, shouldn't have eaten that sandwich. Bleeeeh. I'm dizzy, I can't move. Honey, where have you been? Read me books! Cloth diapers? No. Breast feeding? Yes, but how? A breast feeding bra? Weird. I feel terrible. I need ibuprofen. I can't have ibuprofen? Is this a joke? You want to name the baby what? Absolutely not, that name rhymes with a dirty word. Go get me a bushel of oranges and some sweatpants while I rest my eyes. Get these pants off of me, they're digging into my bump.
12 p.m.: Zzzzzzzzzzzz. What? What do you want? Don't touch me! Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Hey Facebook world, we're pregnant! Stay tuned for photos between 4-5 p.m.! So excited to meet our little bundle.
1 p.m.: I'm fat! How do you go to sleep bloated and wake up fat? Quick, go to Sonic and get me the good ice. Don't ask questions, I just need ice in my mouth. Oh, and while you're there get me four of everything. And don't forget the cocoa butter, my skin isn't as elastic-y as I originally imagined. I can feel it. Is that a foot? An elbow? I'm here baby. Can you hear me? Are you as scared as I am?
2 p.m.: What can we use as a makeshift crib? The microwave box? OK, that will do for now. What about clothes! The baby can't come home in a hospital blanket! Ow, ow, ow. I need a back massage. Dig! Dig! Is that as hard as you can do it? Quick, we need to go to the store. Diapers, bottles, booger suckers, onesies, binkies. Do we have time to get the crib? Crap! Babies need car seats, don't they? What did you read about car seats in the books? You don't remember? You didn't bring them with you as a reference? OK, get that one. Why not? I can't walk anymore, put me in one of the motorized scooters. Wait, I have to pee.
3 p.m.: Why are my feet swollen? I need a foot rub. Seriously? That's all you got? I can't lay, or sit, or stand. Maybe I'll be comfortable if I'm suspended in air. Can you make that happen? Can you set up a crib in 30 minutes? Fine! I didn't think it would hurt to ask. I have to pee again. So, are you ready for this? Well, I told you to do everything you wanted to do before 5 p.m. No, we aren't going to buy more guns. I think my skin is going to rip open. Did you know your baby is in here? Yeah, I don't believe it either. I'm so sleepy, but I can't lay down! I'll never get back up. Give me that jar of pickles.
4 p.m.: I can't stand anymore. If I knew I was going to get huge today, I would have hit the gym a little harder last week. Someone needs to wheel me out of here on a gurney. Ow-ow-ow-ow! It's trying to get out! Doctor, it's time! Expletive. Expletive. Is this happening? I'm not ready. Make it stop. Inhale. Exhale. OK, I got this. Push ... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. It's a girl. She's gorgeous! She has my nose. She is so small and delicate. My Monday miracle. No, we cannot try again tomorrow! I can't take any more time off of work.
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